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update...  
07:43pm 09/06/2010
 
 
Puckett
hello dear readers.  i am back, and preparing for what could be an interesting day tomorrow.  things with cb have gotten worse i think.  we are having more frequent melt downs and fights.  she passed her third insult on tuesday.  it has been interesting.  i didn't get to talk or see ellie for almost an entire month.  what do they say about absence?  let us hope that they are correct. her boyfriend was in town for that time.  well he left, and ellie and i sort of picked up where we left off.  we admitted that we missed each other, and have had many nice talks, and text chats.  during a text chat she said we needed to talk, and i am nervous.  im not sure what i am in for and that makes me scared.  hope for a happy ending for me.
-puckett
 
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(no subject)  
05:31pm 15/05/2010
 
 
Puckett
i miss you so much! 
mood: hothot
 
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(no subject)  
02:27am 06/05/2010
 
 
Puckett
 so not related to my relationship.....my parents turned off my cellphone.  i had not talked to them in 4 days.  im 24 and i can't go 4 days without speaking to my parents?  when can i grow up?
mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
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update...  
01:05pm 04/05/2010
 
 
Puckett
 well things seem to be back to normal.  we are working on it?  i never slept alone, or broke up with her.  it almost happened then i got home from work and things seemed to be better.  she apologized.  something seems wrong here.  i don't like how all of a sudden things are ok again.  i don't feel there was ample resolution.  am i a coward to not want to bring it up?  it sort of feels like we are both in denial about it.  i'm sure it will all come round full circle soon enough.
mood: blankblank
 
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update  
12:26pm 29/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
 im not sure but i think its over...is calling me a stupid piece of shit ass hole an insult?  should i stick to what i said?  i didn't think it would happen so quickly.  im just not sure anymore. 
more on this later,
-puckett
 
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(no subject)  
03:30pm 27/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
why hello everyone.  so i know there have been a couple of private entries.  one of which is a dream(which could oddly come true.) that i am trying to turn into a story.  when it is done i will post it.  the other is about the my last friday night party and certain thoughts and feelings i had that i am not really ready to admit to myself that i feel. when i'm ready, and the post is finished i'll un-privatize it.  so now with that said on with the show.  ^^

monday, cb and i decide that we would like to drink.  so when she got off work we made ourselves some rum and cokes and did our usual routine.  we finished two drinks each and i suggested that we move from the war room onto a couch in the living room.  i gave her a nice kiss and we both got up.  i took a few mins longer to steady my laptop and by the time i was out there she had curled up underneath the blankets.  i decided to act as another blanket and giver her some kisses.  she sort of didn't like this and i stopped.  we spooned for a bit, and when i tried rubbing her down and getting some sort of reaction out of her i got nothing, so i fell asleep.

when i wake up about 40 mins later i realize that i need to do something on facebook real quick, so i jump up and do that.  she had fallen asleep by the time i got back.

i woke her and asked her to join me in the war room, before we headed to bed.  it took her a few mins but she came.  once we were done we sort of started to kiss.  we sort of hobbled into bed.  she had already mentioned earlier that we were going to have sex.  she asked if i wanted the lights on or off.  knowing i would be the one to turn them off later, and feeling lazy, i said "off."  she climbs into bed and lays on her stomach, on her edge of the bed.  her covers were pulled up to her neck as she looked at me and puckered.  there was like 2 feet in between us so i pulled her closer.  we kissed, but after that it was all down hill.  i started to caress her back and her neck.  the only problem is she is lying there like a cold fish, not looking at me, not touching me.  i realized that when we kissed, she wasn't touching me then either.  as i continued she rolled over onto her side.  i thought this was a good sign, maybe she will look at me, or reciprocate the nuzzling i was giving.  after about 10 mins of this, and mind you i am slowly getting deterred by the lack of contact, she reaches out and places an arm on me.  here is my mistake of the night.  "oh i was wondering when you were going to touc...(h me)"  she cut me off with some sort of gasp.  now in the conversation that ensued i realized that what i said may have been hasty, however; the conversation that occurred had to happen.  i needed to know, and she needed to tell me.

now im not sure what she said, i was pretty distraught talking about this with her.  this isn't the first instance like this.  this is the first time we talked about the real issues.  i told her, with tears rolling down my cheeks, that i feel like she isn't attracted to me, not comfortable with me, that i can't touch her without her getting tense.  that its so bad that there needs to be a period of warm up just before she can consider touching me.  she eventually retorted with, i don't want to initiate having sex with you.  i haven't in months.  im not comfortable around you.  you make me feel so guilty saying things like that. i feel like a bad person
i told her that i feel bad too.  that these things hurt me as well.  she damned me.  told me that she hated the way she felt because of me.  kicked the bed a few times and went to the restroom.  i laid their until she was done.  all i can remember is the ending of this bit of the conversation cb said "i don't want to sleep with you again, and i never want to have sex with you again."  she then went to the living room to sleep.
i sat for a little bit shocked confused.  i decided to get up and offer her the bed.  i did, and she said she was not moving. ok.  i went back in the room.  20 mins pass.  and im still awake, i decided to go and visit the war room, so i get up and go to the closet, grab a leos shirt, at this point cb gets up and asks what i am doing.  i think she thought i was going to leave.  i told her i couldn't sleep so i wanted to ease my thoughts.  she joined me.  after about an hours worth of talking, and apologizing we ended up in the same bed, sleeping.  

today was better, we went swimming together, and had sex during the day for the second time in 5 years.  it took me by surprise, but part of it seemed forced.  when we finished telling me she had to make up for last night didn't help either.  (side note, usually with guys making up for sex wouldn't be an issue.  about 2 years ago she told me that she was having "pity sex" with me and that she didn't remember the last time we had meaningful sex.  that makes this comment sting a little)
i didn't say anything about it.  and things are good for the time being.  i have work soon, that is exciting.  i haven't seen LE in a while.  i miss her, i know she is busy and stressed.  well i'm not sure who made it down to this but thanks.  have a nice day
location: war room
mood: dorkydorky
 
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(no subject)  
10:49am 27/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
so last night i nearly slept alone.  we reconciled after a fight.  it was almost the end, but we were able to work through it for the most part.  ugh it was a restless nights sleep 
 
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so the other side of todays question...  
06:24pm 25/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
 as the conversation about affection continued it got heated.  i guess people don't like those sort of things criticized.  well as par to usual cb got upset, then angry and started insulting me.  i broke.  i looked at her, making sure to drown her out as she tried to interrupt, and said "if you ever say these hurtful things to me again, or if i feel like i need to keep up with you by calling you bitch and cunt etc. then im out.  i can't do this anymore.  i hate myself for calling you these things, and im starting to believe the things you say about me.  so if it happens again we are done."  

i really feel this way.  to indulge the readers it is a broad spanning array of insults from personal appearance,  life style, how my parents raised me...etc.  i have had enough of it.  there is no love between us when these things are said, and it sometimes gets to the point that weeks after an incident i am still thinking/dwelling on the insults.  

so i guess all in all we are working on it. 

location: war room
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: "the good times are killing me" by modest mouse
 
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question of the day  
08:45pm 24/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
 i know as a relationship grows so do the people and emotions involved.  if the people in the relationship suddenly realize that a fundamental problem in their relationship is how they show each other affections than should they change their affection, or take this as a sign to maybe find someone who expresses love in similar ways and magnitude.  its the difference between wanting to peck kiss every time, and wanting a soft, less hurried kiss.  something sensual and passionate.  thoughts?
 
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good morning.  
09:25am 23/04/2010
 
 
Puckett
its nice waking up and not being yelled at!  yesterday ended on a plus?  i went to my friends house to hang out and it was awesome!  we made pebble crispy treats and talked.  we also watched part of ff7's movie advent children, which is amazing.  not sure how i missed out on that when it came out.  so during the movie she got a call from her boyfriend, and that was pretty much the end of the night for me.  i left an hour and fifteen minutes later.  during that time i washed the dishes and cleaned up after our crispy endeavor, talked with her twin and her boyfriend, and after they returned with taco bell i ate some good cheap mexican food.  now here's the question: why did i stay so long?  the answer is, im not sure.  had i not received a text from cb....i probably would have stayed longer *laughs.*  or maybe i would have fallen asleep on the couch.  all i know is that i feel guilty for leaving, and sad that i didn't get to say the usual good bye and goodnight. id feel even worse if i knew she was upset too, that would mean i should have stayed.  (even though i was sitting there alone, part of me wanted to stay, to see it through you know?  a lot of me feels bad for leaving.) 

so i get home, cb is on my mac, i apologize for being late, i told her my stuff was in le's room, and that she had a call from robby and had closed her door.  cb's response was "oh really, well robby has been on fb for the past hour or so," and for some reason that made me a little angry.  he's on it enough and  i know that i would devote my entire attention to that phone conversation because in my eyes thats the most important thing he has going for him.  she told me a few times that she considers him out of her league, but i think(or know) its the other way around.  as i write these things i slowly come to realization that im jealous.  i hate that.  i have a great relationship with her, we both love it immensely.  why can't i be happy with that?  there are times that i crave more and times that i think we would be better for each other than our current mates.  she has said it to me too, she always has the courage to say the things that i can only think.  

so today started off nice.  i woke up, got up, sat down, and was able to relax.  i have been up for an hour and a half, and i have said exactly no words.  i remember spending an entire day in silence, it was to protest the silence that 1000's of american homosexuals go through when they are in the closet.  i really enjoyed it.  you learn to portray your feelings and even words with your facial expressions and gestures.  i was even aloud to work that way.  wow that was a bit of a tangent...lets bring it on back to friday...

so today is our friday night party.  we are trying a new drink i think.  the tiki i think.  we were going to try suffering bastards, but a last minute realization that we are broke changed that.  rachel and kevin will be in attendance, and le said she would be spending the night, which means waffles, or pancakes in the morning!  awesome.  well with that i am going to leave you, my many and interested readers.

-puckett

new addition: (thank you office) sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.  i like this.  

mood: this one makes me smilethis one makes me smile
 
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