why hello everyone. so i know there have been a couple of private entries. one of which is a dream(which could oddly come true.) that i am trying to turn into a story. when it is done i will post it. the other is about the my last friday night party and certain thoughts and feelings i had that i am not really ready to admit to myself that i feel. when i'm ready, and the post is finished i'll un-privatize it. so now with that said on with the show. ^^
monday, cb and i decide that we would like to drink. so when she got off work we made ourselves some rum and cokes and did our usual routine. we finished two drinks each and i suggested that we move from the war room onto a couch in the living room. i gave her a nice kiss and we both got up. i took a few mins longer to steady my laptop and by the time i was out there she had curled up underneath the blankets. i decided to act as another blanket and giver her some kisses. she sort of didn't like this and i stopped. we spooned for a bit, and when i tried rubbing her down and getting some sort of reaction out of her i got nothing, so i fell asleep.
when i wake up about 40 mins later i realize that i need to do something on facebook real quick, so i jump up and do that. she had fallen asleep by the time i got back.
i woke her and asked her to join me in the war room, before we headed to bed. it took her a few mins but she came. once we were done we sort of started to kiss. we sort of hobbled into bed. she had already mentioned earlier that we were going to have sex. she asked if i wanted the lights on or off. knowing i would be the one to turn them off later, and feeling lazy, i said "off." she climbs into bed and lays on her stomach, on her edge of the bed. her covers were pulled up to her neck as she looked at me and puckered. there was like 2 feet in between us so i pulled her closer. we kissed, but after that it was all down hill. i started to caress her back and her neck. the only problem is she is lying there like a cold fish, not looking at me, not touching me. i realized that when we kissed, she wasn't touching me then either. as i continued she rolled over onto her side. i thought this was a good sign, maybe she will look at me, or reciprocate the nuzzling i was giving. after about 10 mins of this, and mind you i am slowly getting deterred by the lack of contact, she reaches out and places an arm on me. here is my mistake of the night. "oh i was wondering when you were going to touc...(h me)" she cut me off with some sort of gasp. now in the conversation that ensued i realized that what i said may have been hasty, however; the conversation that occurred had to happen. i needed to know, and she needed to tell me.
now im not sure what she said, i was pretty distraught talking about this with her. this isn't the first instance like this. this is the first time we talked about the real issues. i told her, with tears rolling down my cheeks, that i feel like she isn't attracted to me, not comfortable with me, that i can't touch her without her getting tense. that its so bad that there needs to be a period of warm up just before she can consider touching me. she eventually retorted with, i don't want to initiate having sex with you. i haven't in months. im not comfortable around you. you make me feel so guilty saying things like that. i feel like a bad person
i told her that i feel bad too. that these things hurt me as well. she damned me. told me that she hated the way she felt because of me. kicked the bed a few times and went to the restroom. i laid their until she was done. all i can remember is the ending of this bit of the conversation cb said "i don't want to sleep with you again, and i never want to have sex with you again." she then went to the living room to sleep.
i sat for a little bit shocked confused. i decided to get up and offer her the bed. i did, and she said she was not moving. ok. i went back in the room. 20 mins pass. and im still awake, i decided to go and visit the war room, so i get up and go to the closet, grab a leos shirt, at this point cb gets up and asks what i am doing. i think she thought i was going to leave. i told her i couldn't sleep so i wanted to ease my thoughts. she joined me. after about an hours worth of talking, and apologizing we ended up in the same bed, sleeping.
today was better, we went swimming together, and had sex during the day for the second time in 5 years. it took me by surprise, but part of it seemed forced. when we finished telling me she had to make up for last night didn't help either. (side note, usually with guys making up for sex wouldn't be an issue. about 2 years ago she told me that she was having "pity sex" with me and that she didn't remember the last time we had meaningful sex. that makes this comment sting a little)
i didn't say anything about it. and things are good for the time being. i have work soon, that is exciting. i haven't seen LE in a while. i miss her, i know she is busy and stressed. well i'm not sure who made it down to this but thanks. have a nice day